First off, I want to let everyone know that this post is written by me, Hayden, not Allison. I just want everyone to be clear so that no one is confused and questioning Allison.
This is just a glimpse into my life in the last couple of weeks.
“THIS IS A TIME IN YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU MUST LEARN TO LET GO…”
Those are the first words I read last night out of my ‘Jesus Calling’ devotional book; and it hit me…and hit me hard.
Wednesday, July 9 I went in for my 17 week OB appointment to find out that there was no heart beat and our baby was gone. I hadn’t mentioned it on the blog because this wasn’t our first time to experience this exact same thing at 17 weeks…actually it is our third time since 2011. As I sat in the office all I could think was, “Surely God, not again…” All of my plans gone in an instant….all I was holding on to so tightly.
I would say I’ve been holding on tightly since we lost our very first baby, a baby girl, back in July 2011. Holding on tight to so much…my emotions, my wants and desires to get pregnant again, and to get pregnant right away. It seemed like I was constantly praying that God would provide answers for our losses through chromosome testing and through blood work. Praying that God would allow us to get pregnant again quickly. And every time I prayed I could feel myself holding on so tightly to what I wanted so much.
But last night when I read that first sentence it was like God had spoken audibly to me saying, “Can you loosen your grip? Can you just let go and let me?” I would never say that I am a control freak. Personally, I would much rather someone else make the decisions for me. Someone just tell me what to do, and when to do it…and I’m fine. But for some reason I am having a hard time letting go of this…something that I want so badly.
Funny thing is, when I let go, I’m letting go to the God of the universe…the Creator, the Sustainer, my Heavenly Father. He is the One who knows best and has the best path for me to walk down. Why would I want to choose my way over His? But yet, I so often do.
So, today my hands are open. I still wait and pray for answers from doctors to explain why we don’t have our daughter and our two sons here to enjoy in this life. And maybe I will never have answers. I don’t know what today holds, not to mention next year or five years from now…”will we have another biological child?”…”will we adopt?” There are so many questions…
But today I choose to say, “God do what you will…what you want in my life because I trust you.”
I will still continue to pray that God will bless our family with another child, but I will choose daily to hold loosely.
” Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I TRUST HIM.”