The Holy Spirit is real persistent.
Sometimes a topic weighs so heavily on my heart I can’t go about my day without addressing it.
This is one of those blog posts.
I can feel the Holy Spirit digging his feet in. Putting on the breaks. Not letting me move forward with out addressing this topic.
Pushing back tears I am here to tell you I struggle with depression.
I have been on antidepressants (off and on) since I was 19.
Nothing traumatic has ever happened to me.
Sure, life has had it’s down moments, mainly a result of my own choices.
But I don’t have one single moment that defines my depression.
So why am I sharing this?
First, the Holy Spirit made me do it. I feel like I can’t write another blog post without getting this off of my chest.
In 5 years of blogging I have never had a desire to share this.
I am also writing to let you know, if you struggle with anxiety or depression, you are not alone.
I wish I had something profound to say about depression, but I don’t.
Depression convinces you that your story is not worth being told.
My dear friend, your story is worth it.
I have seen so many women not admit they are depressed because they don’t want to admit they are weak.
Taking care of yourself means you are strong.
I am strong enough to say my kids deserve better than an empty-eyed mother.
My husband deserves more than a shadow of a wife.
My God deserves more than a lifeless follower.
Depression has so many labels.
You are not any of those labels.
Don’t allow depression to convince you of otherwise.
I have stopped taking medication several times. I never took antidepressants while I was pregnant or nursing. For me, the anxiety of taking the medication outweighed the benefits.
Each time I have gotten off of medication I am fine.
It takes about 1 year but depression always begins it’s low roar.
It sneaks up on me.
How do I know?
For me, here are some signs I need to get my depression in check.
I look for smoke coming from my house when I drive home. I am anxious on a daily basis my house will burn down.
I can’t sleep.
Once, I saw a man loading fertilizer in the mall parking lot, and I was convinced he was loading a bomb into his truck. I had to leave the mall.
When I pray the Lord goes silent.
It sounds insane.
But I have become accustomed to seeing the signs.
I have to take care of myself.
I do yoga and pilates.
I have to get enough sleep.
I can’t eat a lot of crappy food.
I HAVE to attend church regularly.
I read God’s word.
Depression has been in my family for generations.
I am making sure it stops here.
With my family.
Because I am strong.
Because I am worth it.
Because my boys need to know what a healthy women looks like.
Because I have too much to accomplish here on Earth.
Because I can’t let society’s labels define me.
It doesn’t make me a bad business person.
It doesn’t make me unreliable.
It makes me a fighter.
It makes me who I am.
Psalm 143:7-8 – Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I’ll lift up my soul.
If you struggle with depression I am praying for you today.